I have said this soo many times that I won’t blame you for not believing me this time.. Hopefully tho’ it’s gonna be the last time Imma have to say this, whether to myself or to people. “This is going to be the start of something new for me, It’s gonna be MY EMANCIPATION!!” Like seriously, I’ve said this to myself and the people around me in different words like three times at the very least and yet what do I do? I go back to the same old me!! How pathetic...
This weekend, I just had to FINALLY decide who and what I wanted to be and get from MY life. I asked for no communication (which was ignored) all weekend just so I could think, analyse and decide for the VERY LAST time.. I realised that. I just have to stop doing things all because of other people.. It’s still my life and at the end of the day, I’m the one who has to face the consequences and no-one else.. So what’s the point of doing stuff because of people, when I’m the one who has to bear the results??.. One of the things that made me realise I needed to make up my mind was when I was tweetin with a friend about some friend issues and she was like “Wld u rather they find out some other way... If they’re really ur friends they'll understand. Stop worrying” That was when I realised that ‘Yes indeed, If they’re truly my friends as they claim to be, they should be able to accept the REAL me as and when I show up. You need to be able to accept my decisions as and when I choose to despite the fact that they might clash with yhur opinions’...
A couple of days ago, a guy analysed me soo perfectly that I felt exposed in every way... Note that this was done at my insistence and by some-one I only meet around class and other random places, never planned.. The irony was that this was my very innermost secret fear, cos I knew I wasn’t being who I really was, and so for some-one to analyze me to the extent of discovering it was scary...
What further accelerated this FINAL need for re-discovery, emancipation and closure was that I reminiscenced about my life in high school and stuff, only to realise that I’ve drastically changed and that it’ll be a miracle for anyone to picture me as the Aeeshah of those days. While I wasn’t one of the “IT” girls, I still had respect and true friendship which is more than I can say now.. Another place where the real me clashes with the fake me (which is in cahoots with my present friends’ expectations) is religion. While I’ve never been the holy-holy, I don’t hug guys kinda person, my friends still recognised and respected my religiousness as and when I showed it. Not so anymore... Most of my ‘friends’ who co-incidentally are Northerners hav that attitude soo badly that I’m surprised I still hug guys... Another example of the new me is that now I feel if I wear short-sleeved tops, or leave my hair open, Im exposed and my religion isn’t complete... Like WTF ryt?? Who ever said anything about covering the hair or wearing long-sleeves being the 1-way ticket to heaven?? I never even thought of anything like that before... Or the only reason a guy would want to be really close to me for so long is because he’s bidding his time to get into my panties?? That last one was even yesterday’z topic.
I’m not saying that Northerners are EXTREMISTS or anything, I’m just saying that I’ve never really hung out with them until I came to uni. Add that to the fact that I’m a Lagos-bred and based girl, nd they’re mainly Abuja-bred and based.. So, definitely Imma clash with them. But, probabli b-cos I wanted peace to reign, I tried being who they wanted me to be soo badly that I totally forgot who I really was.. Now, I’m trying to get myself back and I’m sure they’re gonna flip.. But den again, if they can’t accept who I really am, then maybe we shouldn’t be friends... Really hope I can change back to the real me sha.. It’s been ages..
Pheew.. I really need to start learning how to write shorter posts.. I’m sure yhu guys get tired of reading my posts.. Thanks for sticking to me tho’ Realli appreciate.
14 comments:
I can totally relate to most of wat you've written. Its important for you to accept that you made †Hε first mistake by pretending to be someone you aren't. I hope it works out for you.
Pha't.. I kno ryt?? I've already accepted the blame ai.. Ameen ooh, Realli hopin it does.. Thnx.. :-)
Well done re: 'I just had to FINALLY decide who and what I wanted to be and get from MY life.'
Religion and tradition cause so much conflict in people's lives. Try and be strong.
There is nothing like 'half-pregnant' - so decisions like this are either fully implemented OR abandoned.
If you decide to implement your decision, you have to be strong and full of conviction (that you are doing the right thing) - so you can handle the questions and issues that might from those around you. GOOD LUCK!!!
Naijamum... Thnx soo much.. Like srsly tho' that religion part just sucks... Imma try being strong as Im obviously tyred of abandoning nd den regrettin.. so yh, this tym I hav no choice bt 2 implement.. Thnx 4 always being dere!! :)
You know i love you just the way you are!!!
Oh puhlease!!! the longer the post, the better!!!....finding yourself is the first and critical step to developing yourself, so that is a good call...
T.Notes, lol... I luv yhu 2!!
HoneyDame, thnx 4 dt!!
who is they, the 9ja northerns in your school?
Chizzy D.. Yh..
girl, you have just one life that's the one hard fact of life so if you do not live this life as "you
", who will?
Betrayednaijawife... Hmmm, apparentli, I just realised dt fact 4 myself ooh!!! Thnx...
Ha! have being down that round until i made a 360 degree U-turn! I come before others now!...you don't like me?...no problemo!, there are many fishes in the river...so go & make another friend!!!!!
My dear, YOU MADE A GOOD DECISION! JUST CONTINUE TO BE TRUE TO YOURSELF & LET PEOPLE LIKE YOU WITH ALL YOUR FLAWS, OR LET YOU BE!.
in btw, happy new year & tnxs for the birthday greetings on my wall.
Nitty, Thanks for the words... Happy new year 2 yhu 2.. As 4 d wall-post, it was my pleasure...
What matters most is that you free yourself from any society-construed standards. Do what makes you happy, but not unless you are hurting or affecting some other's life, then it is a different story then.
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